Tomorrow I finish all of the business that I have been putting off and take control of my world again.

Slowly, day by day I let my life slip into recession. Everyone is talking about it, but I am actually experiencing it. Recession basically means that I am not working enough to be responsible for myself. I got into a situation that just spiralled out of control for no real reason. I tried to reach out to people who have never bothered to reach out to me. They just assume that I should be the one reaching, and they are sitting pretty doing me favours. And tomorrow it ends...

I talk about wanting to be something, wanting to be important and get things done. If I don’t close this chapter of my life then I will never be able to be something. It takes so much out of me, I just always think things can be better. And if I am the one willing to go out and do the work to try to improve, and you don’t support me. Then why are you even in the picture, you don’t want to pull on the rope but you criticize me when I try to pull it. Not everyone can be a leach like you. You make me feel guilty for trying to do the best I can at everything, I am by no means perfect. I am a student, I am always learning not to feel like I know everything. But I know more than you do. I know how to act, I know that there are other people that count on me, and I know that my actions have effect on the world that I live in. So your bullshit negativity ends tomorrow...

Don’t expect that I will come crawling back, because there is no coming back. I know that I am such a burden to your life that you are best left alone. I know that you are doing so well for yourself that if I even thought about criticizing you I must be some loud mouthed asshole. You have made your choice, enjoy the rest of your life. I don’t need you...

I have the ability to do anything that I want with myself, because I am willing to try things. I am willing to fail, I am willing to man up to my mistakes. Your opportunities to be involved in my life, and to gain from my future success are gone. You don’t care about anything, you just want to make sure people aren’t doing any better than you. Well guess what, good luck.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what exactly it is that I want to be doing.

Without being dramatic about it, my life has taken several right turns, and also several left turns. I understand that, things happen. But I think that if I have more defined ideals then as long as I am sticking to them I can be satisfied with the results. I am a kid with my whole life ahead of me, nothing is stopping me from doing everything I want. So what do I want...

I want to be reliable, I want to be there for myself when I need it, and I want to be there for the people that I care about, and I want to be there for the planet.

I want to be less wasteful, wasteful with packaging, wasteful with time, wasteful with words, wasteful with money.

I want to be cleaner, cleaning my body, cleaning my conscience, cleaning my laundry, maybe then I will be able to really feel things.

I want to learn, learn to be a leader, learn how to survive, learn how to be satisfied, learn how to be happy, learn because we aren’t here forever.

I want to connect, be a part of something, find something to pull for, let my will power free.