Tomorrow I finish all of the business that I have been putting off and take control of my world again.

Slowly, day by day I let my life slip into recession. Everyone is talking about it, but I am actually experiencing it. Recession basically means that I am not working enough to be responsible for myself. I got into a situation that just spiralled out of control for no real reason. I tried to reach out to people who have never bothered to reach out to me. They just assume that I should be the one reaching, and they are sitting pretty doing me favours. And tomorrow it ends...

I talk about wanting to be something, wanting to be important and get things done. If I don’t close this chapter of my life then I will never be able to be something. It takes so much out of me, I just always think things can be better. And if I am the one willing to go out and do the work to try to improve, and you don’t support me. Then why are you even in the picture, you don’t want to pull on the rope but you criticize me when I try to pull it. Not everyone can be a leach like you. You make me feel guilty for trying to do the best I can at everything, I am by no means perfect. I am a student, I am always learning not to feel like I know everything. But I know more than you do. I know how to act, I know that there are other people that count on me, and I know that my actions have effect on the world that I live in. So your bullshit negativity ends tomorrow...

Don’t expect that I will come crawling back, because there is no coming back. I know that I am such a burden to your life that you are best left alone. I know that you are doing so well for yourself that if I even thought about criticizing you I must be some loud mouthed asshole. You have made your choice, enjoy the rest of your life. I don’t need you...

I have the ability to do anything that I want with myself, because I am willing to try things. I am willing to fail, I am willing to man up to my mistakes. Your opportunities to be involved in my life, and to gain from my future success are gone. You don’t care about anything, you just want to make sure people aren’t doing any better than you. Well guess what, good luck.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what exactly it is that I want to be doing.

Without being dramatic about it, my life has taken several right turns, and also several left turns. I understand that, things happen. But I think that if I have more defined ideals then as long as I am sticking to them I can be satisfied with the results. I am a kid with my whole life ahead of me, nothing is stopping me from doing everything I want. So what do I want...

I want to be reliable, I want to be there for myself when I need it, and I want to be there for the people that I care about, and I want to be there for the planet.

I want to be less wasteful, wasteful with packaging, wasteful with time, wasteful with words, wasteful with money.

I want to be cleaner, cleaning my body, cleaning my conscience, cleaning my laundry, maybe then I will be able to really feel things.

I want to learn, learn to be a leader, learn how to survive, learn how to be satisfied, learn how to be happy, learn because we aren’t here forever.

I want to connect, be a part of something, find something to pull for, let my will power free.

My Christmas Wishlist

Tonight I had planned to drive my parents house, instead it snowed all day. I respect that the weather can change plans/my car is from the city and doesn't like the snowy countryside. So I decided to use the spare time to set some personal goals together for the holiday season.

No crappy coffee - there is enough at the office

No crappy beer - if I can't afford a beer that is a dollar more expensive then I shouldn't be drinking

No fast food - I am embarrassed to even have this one on my list, sorry everyone

Make real meals - I will do my very best to avoid eating anything that has been frozen, besides delicious gelato

Shovel someones driveway - sometimes you gotta pay your dues

Get some clothes tailored - because who doesn't like a tailored shirt

Spend some time in the wilderness - I remember Bow Lake in the winter, and it makes me wish I could just live in a hut in the mountains

Get some skates on and get out on a pond - It's the only way to feel Canadian, unless you form a coalition

Listen to Ben Harper and play a game of euchre - this is my list and I'll do what I want, there is nothing wrong with a victory lap over the couch

Stay off of Facebook - I got things to do



If you want to join me in my 10 goals gimme a call, 519-716-0171, if not, I hope you enjoy the holidays as much as I am going to.

Evolution

I survived the first week of double job action. No big deal, still snuck some fun times in there as well. Today I felt like I finally belonged in the office, it's a huge jump for me and I am being bombarded with information all day. Working 9 to 8 will get easier when I know what I am doing a little better instead of having to learn hour by hour. Today we got into some of the finer details of what I need to do daily, weekly, and monthly. I feel a lot more confident about it now that I know exactly what I am looking for instead of trying to imagine it and letting it balloon in my mind.

I even booked an appointment to see someone on Monday, which is another step towards actually making some money instead of just paying for parking and taking up office space. So the key component of my job is being on the phone, ideally I am going to be on the phone for 25+ hours a week for the next year. And believe me it is as fun as it sounds, non-stop calling, Will Smith style, I don't even hang up the phone I just release and dial again. But to be honest it isn't worse than what I was doing, and I'll be able to make a legitimate life out of it so I'm really not complaining.

Past That Point

Two full time jobs is sweet, one day off a week is sweet. But you think I would be a little bit more careful with my sleep time. Right now I am committed to everything that I am doing, but it has gone past that point of personal commitment right now. I am doing more than enough 4ams lately, it is one thing to be there, but when the lights are still on in the house on the hill it makes you wonder how much longer you can keep something like this up. The twinkle isn't something that I am unfamiliar with, but how much do I care about my pretty face. I have been dodging bullets for a few weeks now, and I know exactly which bullet is going to get me and why.

Our sense of smell is tied most directly to memory, and thats the bullet that isn't going to miss. Let's see if I am as bulletproof as I think I am.

1>2

So the tally is in, the votes were; 1 for, and 2 against. I always had a suspicion that democracy didn't work. It is the tool of the capitalist elite. But, wait, I thought I wanted to be one of those guys wearing the sexy custom suits that 7 or 8 people labored on. Yeah, that is what I want. So after the balloting was over I held my own secret ballot vote. I went and had a little chat with God and he told me that I should continue on in His name and complete the work that I have already started. Seems the people made the wrong choice, so I had to go ahead and veto their initiative. It happens all of the time, if you give the people the power to vote they will make the wrong decision, they are so easily confused by coercion and other types of literal or implied violence.

Thank you to everyone who took part in this election, my campaign manager, lifestyle instructor, and personal stylist. I am going to ride this wave of momentum right into the White House.

Shirts and Ties

I don't have a single thing to complain about today, usually I only want to write when something is bugging me. Today I have an hour to waste before I change from one shirt and tie job to another shirt and tie job. My work day for the next month is 9am til midnight. Good times, I have began a bit of a relationship with someone I used to stick my nose up at. Usually I like to go for someone that is a little less common, has a little sophistication, but sometimes you need a pick me up. I am going to use this blog to repent the slander that I have been spewing for years. I take back most of the bad things that I have said about coffee, because now I need her. It is fun being all dressed up all of the time, but if you can't stay awake you can't make money.

It's funny that I am in the risk management business, if you took a little look into my life right now you wouldn't believe it. But sometimes you have to push the risk envelope a little bit to get what you want. I need some insurance right now, hopefully I'll find someone willing to take on my risk taking personality.

You heard it here first... when I get paid I am taking a fucking vacation. I really don't care where it is, or when, or for how long, but when I have the cash money I am searching out a cheap ass vacation. 2 stipulations; beach, swim up bar. Case closed.

Told my boss/new life coach today that I was sick of not driving an Infiniti G, he says that won't be an issue. Case closed.