The Rules

The best trick anyone ever pulled on us was when they told us that there were rules. What are these rules, and what are they based on. You can't kill someone, that is wrong (now don't go getting the idea that I want to kill someone, I just want to talk about the idea). In all honesty, how do you justify the statement, 'it is wrong to kill someone.' Is it always wrong, or just wrong with certain exceptions. If someone did something really 'bad' maybe you can kill them. If one country signs a document saying that it is at war with another country they can kill each other, is that wrong? The thing about the world is, things either are or they aren't. That is why rules don't make sense, because sometimes they can be BROKEN, and then wow what a rush I am doing something that I am not supposed to be doing.

Rules about safety are my favourite. Hey, Hey, don't do that, that isn't safe. The sign says so, can't you see that orange flashing man, don't you know that you can only walk when the white walking man is on the screen. Didn't your parents teach you anything.

These rules make me sad, if you can't decide when is a good time to try and cross a road without having little men to tell you. Then I am sorry that you had to read all of that.

I am going to think a little more about the rules and get back to you.

I Serve Food To People

So I am out of school now and I need to pick up on this blog because it keeps me motivated to think about things to write because I kind of expect that I should. All we do at school is read and write, might as well do some stuff outside of school because I waste so much time doing it anyways haha.

My job, my job is to bring people food, answer questions, make them laugh, and then they pay me money. I am not sure that people realize that I make pretty good money doing it. But there is no sense in the whole situation, no time ever would you be so mad at someone if you have to sit there looking at an empty water glass, because Holy Fuck, if I am paying that young man to fetch me food, my water glass WILL be full as well. The best part about my job is that I get to interact with SO many old people. These people have had a lot of time to practice eating, so some of them know everything to say, they have encountered every problem, and they know how to react to them. I cant quite remember what this one man said to me the other day but I will think about it and piece it together for you later. The best is when you play some kind of trick on them that they have never seen. And this is all I think about at work, and I am glad to write about it finally. The only time that I am happy at work is when I am trying to pull random tricks on customers, because it is the same thing, hungry, food, home, over and over for hours.

One time there was a big table, they were all from out of town, they were all together, business type people. They had made a reservation 2 weeks ago because they wanted to have prime rib. They unfortunately also made their reservation for 9pm on Saturday. After I told you that all of my customers are old, what time did you imagine me discussing with them? They eat dinner, have drinks, do coffee, maybe have a little stroll around Uptown, and in bed before 11. So when these lovely polite people got here, they all ordered drinks, and bottles of wine, they were out for a party. But when I talked to them about the menu, and they found out that we had sold all of our prime rib already, they almost actually got up and left. Swear to God the one guy stood up to leave, thats how upset they were, it was insane.

They finally ordered, after whining and complaining individually as each person orders from me. And I have to ask them at least 3 or 4 questions to get the orders right, because bringing food to people can be complicated. So the earful from every person, even after they heard what the person before them was saying and how they were bitching. It was just juvenile. They all ordered the same entree with sort of a comraderee (SP) that I have never encountered. And they also ordered a bunch of appetizers. So they went on, gaining steam, feeling better, more drinks. Once you are done the appetizer at my restaurant you get sorbet to cleanse your palate. I think people know what sorbet is, but sometimes you get this one guy who is perplexed. I am not going to explain it, look it up if you don't know.

One guy at this table had the most perplexed look on his face. Now I have to let you remember, these people did not like me at all because I told them we had no good meat left. So I said to him, and I swear to this story. I said "Sorry, we have been really busy tonight, and when we were taking the order and everything we actually sold out of everything. And the chef is offering these desserts as his apology."

This guy looked at me like no person has ever looked at me before. He was speechless, he didn't know where he was, he was drunk, and some 22 year old kid just told him we had no more food, even though he was the organizer of the party, he was the person that knew everyone and had got them all together.

I stopped, I put my hand on the shoulder of the man that was sitting across from him, I pointed at this man, and I said, "Did you actually believe all of that?" And everyone started laughing so hard, he was lost. Where is his food? When does he have to pay the bill? What flavor is this sorbet stuff?

We had plenty of food still, there was no problems what so ever I just wanted to see how he would react. He was being such a bitch about the whole prime rib thing that I just had to. I wasn't even worried about him getting up and leaving because with all of the whining he was doing I knew he wasn't going to tip me well, and I KNEW that he was paying. When I told him he was going to get his food, he smiled, no words, just a smile. Once he got his food, he ate it like he had never seen food before. I brought half of the tables food, and then came back with the other half. Once I had gotten the 2nd load of food, he was halfway done his entree. It was amazing, I had broken his equilibrium of always being able to quickly access food, and he panicked.

After I created that whole scene, I thought, and I have had this thought before. Why don't I just always do that random shit, as long as they actually get the food in the end and everything is fine, they won't care.

Once people have their food, they will talk and laugh, they want to know your life story once you have given them food. This man went to talk to the owner of the restaurant at the end of the meal. He wanted to tell him how good a server I was and how I handled tough situations well. Haahahah. That's the time in life when you really know you are on top of the game.

Enemies of the Environment

This is the written draft of my last speech, it wasn't delivered exactly like this but I didn't use a cue card so I had to freestyle it a little bit.
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Good Afternoon everyone,

My name is Jay Clemens and the University of Waterloo has asked me to come here today to speak to you about an issue of great importance.

But first I would like to apologize for not giving my speech on Wednesday, I know a lot of people were counting on seeing this speech on Wednesday but Kathy was gracious enough to reschedule me so that I could deliver my message to everyone here today

Climate change has become one of the hottest topics of discussion, not just in Canada but globally. Climate change is taking away precious air-time from our favourite celebrities and commercials, but is it that important.

I recently received my degree in Global-warmology and i now make a living teaching about the causes and effects of climate change. And here today I would like to speak to you about the 3 biggest contributors to global warming.

So the first culprit is one of the most vicious and ruthless animals to ever walk the Earth.

The cow, as most animals have seen their numbers decline by a natural process called “Human Consumption” cows have seen their numbers have been steadily increasing since World War 2. These animals with their hunger and lust for blood have been ravaging grasslands relentlessly. Everyone has heard about going green, and being green, well guess what colour grass is? Thats right green, and as a green loving creatures it is our duty to defend them.

The only solution that we have been able to project in solving this crisis is simply eating all of them, if they think they can just eat all of the grass how will they feel if we just eat all of them.

Second on our list of offenders....

Human Babies, babies come out of the womb with a need for consumer goods, without the ability to think rationally that adults have, these small savages consume as much media, and toys as they possibly can. Media and toys take fossil fuels to make or distribute, this takes away from the share of fossil fuels left for the adults, who wants to live in a world where you cant idle your V8 magnum truck, or spend your whole day just flying a helicopter around. Childrens inability to feed themselves leaves the adults with no choice but to continue to feed them until they reach maturity. This is a vicious cycle, with most of the impact being played out in the natural world; resources are becoming more and more scarce everyday.

So what is the solution to this problem? Who said eat them all, clearly that is not an option, if you can clear that with Oprah and Bono we will do it but good luck.

The solution is something we can systematic replacement outside of line of sight, what this means is basically all of the adult humans just need to not allow their children to continue to consume our natural resources, until they are large enough to procure those resources on their own.

Lastly, and with the greatest number of crimes against the environment, I couldn’t even use a real picture because they say if you stare directly at this beast you turn to stone, or go blind or something.

Thats right, the sun.

Sure the sun is great, warms up the beaches, makes beer taste better, helps to create raisins. But it just doesn’t know when to quit, when to say hey, maybe I should turn it down a little I think I’m hurting people. The worst part about it is that the Sun and Carbon particles do not get along, Carbon gets the Sun all riled up and makes it even hotter. But we love making carbon, everything in this classroom has made Carbon at least once.

So what is the solution to this problem? After many attempts to block out the sun completely by Mr. Burns and other wealthy business men, we have moved on to plan B. What we are going to do since we would never want to reduce carbon emissions, we will simply capture the carbon and bury it deep underground. The Canadian federal government is on board with this idea and has began pouring millions of dollars into this fool proof plan, how could burying something in the ground not work? It has always worked before.

Now I that today I have prepared you for the future. The key is education, the more that you can know about Climate Change the better we will be in the war against terrorism, I mean Global Warming.

Everything that I have told you about these 3 culprits is true, I encourage you to go home and check the facts for yourself. And once you have done that I would also encourage you to go to www.globalwarming.org to find out how you can help.