Enemies of the Environment

This is the written draft of my last speech, it wasn't delivered exactly like this but I didn't use a cue card so I had to freestyle it a little bit.
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Good Afternoon everyone,

My name is Jay Clemens and the University of Waterloo has asked me to come here today to speak to you about an issue of great importance.

But first I would like to apologize for not giving my speech on Wednesday, I know a lot of people were counting on seeing this speech on Wednesday but Kathy was gracious enough to reschedule me so that I could deliver my message to everyone here today

Climate change has become one of the hottest topics of discussion, not just in Canada but globally. Climate change is taking away precious air-time from our favourite celebrities and commercials, but is it that important.

I recently received my degree in Global-warmology and i now make a living teaching about the causes and effects of climate change. And here today I would like to speak to you about the 3 biggest contributors to global warming.

So the first culprit is one of the most vicious and ruthless animals to ever walk the Earth.

The cow, as most animals have seen their numbers decline by a natural process called “Human Consumption” cows have seen their numbers have been steadily increasing since World War 2. These animals with their hunger and lust for blood have been ravaging grasslands relentlessly. Everyone has heard about going green, and being green, well guess what colour grass is? Thats right green, and as a green loving creatures it is our duty to defend them.

The only solution that we have been able to project in solving this crisis is simply eating all of them, if they think they can just eat all of the grass how will they feel if we just eat all of them.

Second on our list of offenders....

Human Babies, babies come out of the womb with a need for consumer goods, without the ability to think rationally that adults have, these small savages consume as much media, and toys as they possibly can. Media and toys take fossil fuels to make or distribute, this takes away from the share of fossil fuels left for the adults, who wants to live in a world where you cant idle your V8 magnum truck, or spend your whole day just flying a helicopter around. Childrens inability to feed themselves leaves the adults with no choice but to continue to feed them until they reach maturity. This is a vicious cycle, with most of the impact being played out in the natural world; resources are becoming more and more scarce everyday.

So what is the solution to this problem? Who said eat them all, clearly that is not an option, if you can clear that with Oprah and Bono we will do it but good luck.

The solution is something we can systematic replacement outside of line of sight, what this means is basically all of the adult humans just need to not allow their children to continue to consume our natural resources, until they are large enough to procure those resources on their own.

Lastly, and with the greatest number of crimes against the environment, I couldn’t even use a real picture because they say if you stare directly at this beast you turn to stone, or go blind or something.

Thats right, the sun.

Sure the sun is great, warms up the beaches, makes beer taste better, helps to create raisins. But it just doesn’t know when to quit, when to say hey, maybe I should turn it down a little I think I’m hurting people. The worst part about it is that the Sun and Carbon particles do not get along, Carbon gets the Sun all riled up and makes it even hotter. But we love making carbon, everything in this classroom has made Carbon at least once.

So what is the solution to this problem? After many attempts to block out the sun completely by Mr. Burns and other wealthy business men, we have moved on to plan B. What we are going to do since we would never want to reduce carbon emissions, we will simply capture the carbon and bury it deep underground. The Canadian federal government is on board with this idea and has began pouring millions of dollars into this fool proof plan, how could burying something in the ground not work? It has always worked before.

Now I that today I have prepared you for the future. The key is education, the more that you can know about Climate Change the better we will be in the war against terrorism, I mean Global Warming.

Everything that I have told you about these 3 culprits is true, I encourage you to go home and check the facts for yourself. And once you have done that I would also encourage you to go to www.globalwarming.org to find out how you can help.