When Was The Last Time...

Generally when people ask me questions I can at least throw together some kind of possible answer. I think that is something that people respect about me, sure I have an agenda, everyone does. Everyone is trying to do things. But if you ask me a question I will do the best I can to answer it.

"I feel like a moviestar"

Yesterday, I didn't have the answers. Or was I trying to avoid them. I am pretty good at stacking plates, but sometimes my arms aren't strong enough to carry all of the plates that I try to.

Yesterday, a friend asked me why I looked like someone kicked my dog. I told him that if someone kicked my dog, I would probably cut them up into small pieces. And then I would never talk about it again. It is important to be passionate.

Yesterday was important. If I have the answers then I'm not living.

Since I'm Not Going To Say It...

When I said I was over it, I meant it. When I said I wasn't worried, I wasn't. And I would've taken it as far as I had to. But not this way. I'll do the right thing because it is the right thing, but it really could've gone either way.

So I Sleep Like A Dog Now

Sometimes I sleep at night, sometimes I sleep in the day, sometimes I don't sleep at all. As long as I keep myself organized I don't see that changing, at least for the next 2 months. I am taking on more than I should maybe. But fuck it, you will never know if you don't go for it.

It seems like every decision I make right now has epic consequences. I know I bring it on myself, and I don't fear the consequences. But at the same time I wish it didn't have to be like this. The rollercoaster just started moving, and it is click click clicking its way to the top. And I am really not sure that I want to be on this ride, but why the fuck else did I come to an amusement park if I'm not going to ride the best and fastest ride they are offering me? I knew that I was going to find myself here when I was in the car. What did I think I was going to do once I got here? My mind was made up well before today, well before I put the shoulder restraint on. Maybe it's just because I'm not too sure about the safety equipment. But who is going to save me?

The good thing is, ummm, oh yeah, there are a lot of good things. I have reasons to get up and do things, it isn't all about will power anymore. There are expectations, and there are people that are just dying to see me fuck it all up and get my face smashed in. I can see it in their eyes, but I love that adversity, even though most of it is imagined in my head. More and more it seems that people are wishing me nothing but the best. And I am a good guy to the people that I know and care about. But the people that don't know me, are getting things taken away from them. So fuck em, everyone can't have everything. You can either take what I have, or find someone else that is an easier mark. And then what does that make you.

Don't have expectations, have goals, let the people sitting on the couch watching have their expectations.

And Then Everything Got Serious...

So when I wrote about not going all in every time, so, maybe I don't have any chips at all. And once it gets out of hand, it might actually be serious. But what is the point of waking up if you aren't going to do anything. I didn't necessarily choose the cards that I am all in with now, but there is a part of me that doesn't give a shit about cards.

Everyone thinks they know what the right thing to do is, well fuck you too because I know what the fuck I am doing. If it is the right thing, do something, if not sit down.

I'll take shit, and people will take shots, but that only means that you are looking at me. I'll be fine. I have nothing to lose, and if you are against, then that is your own business. I'll be fine.

Sleep

I can't seem to find it lately, when I have the time to sleep I can't. My mind races and races, the less I sleep the harder it gets to sleep. When I wake up, I feel tired but I still can't sleep. I know I know, just take down your stress levels and relax more, but that isn't the problem. I'm not even worried about not sleeping, but I am really starting to become intimate with that feeling of not quite being in reality, but not being far enough away to decide that I am asleep.

My schedule forces me to pull an all-nighter one night a week, it gives me a lot of perspective on how my body responds to strain. The problem is that at the end of the all-nighter is the most important part of my week, and the time right before the all-nighter is the most complex, enjoyable and stressful. Throwing all of those factors together gets my spirits up, I wish I could live at that level, having to will myself through some of the times, and wishing that the other times would last.

The upside is that the rest of the week flys by because I know that this time is coming again. I love the feeling of life, but as I go along on this schedule it is getting tougher. Next week is possibly the last time that I am going to have to do it. But so many things are coming into fruition in this week.

Yeah Yeah go for it, No No you can't do that,

At least everyone has their opinions lately, everyone knows best for me, but somehow I am still coasting along. At least people have something to talk about.

Finally

So I've finished reading my big red book. I have dedicated all of my free time to this book lately, and it is a bittersweet feeling to have conquered it. I want to celebrate but just finishing the required reading doesn't guarantee anything. It does mean that I am one step closer to starting a new life and a new career.

Who needs sleep? Who needs friends? Who needs a life? Who needs fun?

Sometimes I do, but right now I am willing to sacrifice. I have lots of time ahead of me for fun, but if I don't put any work in now I will have to spend the rest of my life chasing fun instead of living fun.

I am raising the bar, now I have even higher personal expectations. But if I don't expect anything from myself I can't blame anyone else for doing the same.

This Isn't The Way

I did everything that I could to avoid this one, you can't always stick your nose in it. Sometimes it isn't up to me. Some things are decided before I have a chance to decide. I guess there is nothing else I can do but wait it out. I guess I will just stick my nose out a little bit further and hope that everyone else knows what they are doing.