Forgot Something..

Also, sleep is very important. Staying up all day and all night is bad for you. You can't do it forever.

But you did an excellent job on everything else in the letter today, keep up the good work, sorry about the oversight.

A Letter To Myself

This is the last transitional stage, you don't have to struggle forever. Take care of your body, no pot, no booze, no crap food. You can make an impact right away if you stick to solid fundamentals. Listen carefully to everyone but don't take it to heart. No negative words will come out of your mouth, be respectful and save your criticism. Not everyone has the opportunities that you have. Don't try to be someone you aren't, stay within your limits for now until you have established yourself. There is only one question in your mind right now, try to solve it. If you decide to roll the dice, commit to it. Give the honest answers and live with the consequences.

Today Was A Day Like Any Other

There was only one person that I wanted to talk to yesterday, yesterday was tough, it was the culmination of so many things in my life. I wish that you wanted to talk to me. I know, oh no Mr. Cool is having a bad day, blah blah blah. Fuck him, he thinks he is so cool, he just does whatever he wants, he has no feelings. It's about time he had a bad fucking day.

I put everything in my life aside for yesterday, so I guess I deserve what I get when it doesn't pan out quite the way I want it to. This means so much to me, I knew my car was dying but I decided that I had to chance it. It wasn't the end of the world, but for the first time in a long time I had that hollow feeling of not knowing what to do. And I deserve better than "well if anyone can do it, you can." At least fake it, I knew you didn't want to talk to me the second you answered the phone. All of the times you cried on my shoulder, all of the times I held back your hair. Maybe I am a fucking asshole, but that really upset me, whatever you were busy or not feeling well or whatever but fuck.

Maybe you just don't get it, you don't know how hard I work for things. No one wants to give me anything, I struggle everyday. And maybe it is an inconvenience when I can't come see you every week. But I have 75 dollars in my bank account, I have fucking nothing. If I didn't get a bailout yesterday I wouldn't have a car, I would've had to sleep in the street, and I would have had just enough money to put myself on a bus. But that's cool because if anyone can figure it out it's me. I should support you when you are telling me about how you like coke, but when my car breaks down, I am broke, and almost miss the biggest test of my life that's not a big deal really. I get it, I am a big boy and I can take care of myself.

I am sick everytime that you discourage me from all of the ambitions I have, oh lets go on a trip, well I cant go on a trip unless I get a good education and work hard. I wish you encouraged me to be the person I am. I fucking love you, you were the only person that knew I was really alive for like 2 years. You were my best friend and I meant everything I have ever said to you. But I just can't explain why I can't spend 2 days a week with you anymore. I am fucking busy, I would love to just spend my days hanging out with you, eating tapas and singing Holiday in Spain and sleeping in the position. But my life isn't fun, I don't have fun. I hate my job, hate where I live, hate that I don't have anything. So I have to be dedicated and diligent. I push myself because I don't want to be my parents, I want to have a secure life, I want to enjoy myself and help people.

So find someone else, someone who is happy to wake up in debt. Someone who approves of everything you do. Someone who isn't careful, someone who doesn't have the self respect to know that you shouldn't do some things. Someone who isn't going to get a grown up job that keeps him away.

It will be sweet, you guys can go to Sneaky D's, make friends in the park, put things up your nose.

Don't comment or write your own shit, I know who I am. I'm not perfect, but I'm not going to justify what I think. You were my best friend, I know that you can do so much more than you are. You get mad everytime I criticize you, but I have no alterior motives. I want you to be happy and successful as a person. I never gave you any advice that furthered my personal agenda. I am sick of this rap that I have of, oh he doesn't care. He only cares about himself. We have been through so much together, but if everything falling apart was my fault, then fine, I'll take the fall like a man, but good luck in the future.

When Was The Last Time...

Generally when people ask me questions I can at least throw together some kind of possible answer. I think that is something that people respect about me, sure I have an agenda, everyone does. Everyone is trying to do things. But if you ask me a question I will do the best I can to answer it.

"I feel like a moviestar"

Yesterday, I didn't have the answers. Or was I trying to avoid them. I am pretty good at stacking plates, but sometimes my arms aren't strong enough to carry all of the plates that I try to.

Yesterday, a friend asked me why I looked like someone kicked my dog. I told him that if someone kicked my dog, I would probably cut them up into small pieces. And then I would never talk about it again. It is important to be passionate.

Yesterday was important. If I have the answers then I'm not living.

Since I'm Not Going To Say It...

When I said I was over it, I meant it. When I said I wasn't worried, I wasn't. And I would've taken it as far as I had to. But not this way. I'll do the right thing because it is the right thing, but it really could've gone either way.

So I Sleep Like A Dog Now

Sometimes I sleep at night, sometimes I sleep in the day, sometimes I don't sleep at all. As long as I keep myself organized I don't see that changing, at least for the next 2 months. I am taking on more than I should maybe. But fuck it, you will never know if you don't go for it.

It seems like every decision I make right now has epic consequences. I know I bring it on myself, and I don't fear the consequences. But at the same time I wish it didn't have to be like this. The rollercoaster just started moving, and it is click click clicking its way to the top. And I am really not sure that I want to be on this ride, but why the fuck else did I come to an amusement park if I'm not going to ride the best and fastest ride they are offering me? I knew that I was going to find myself here when I was in the car. What did I think I was going to do once I got here? My mind was made up well before today, well before I put the shoulder restraint on. Maybe it's just because I'm not too sure about the safety equipment. But who is going to save me?

The good thing is, ummm, oh yeah, there are a lot of good things. I have reasons to get up and do things, it isn't all about will power anymore. There are expectations, and there are people that are just dying to see me fuck it all up and get my face smashed in. I can see it in their eyes, but I love that adversity, even though most of it is imagined in my head. More and more it seems that people are wishing me nothing but the best. And I am a good guy to the people that I know and care about. But the people that don't know me, are getting things taken away from them. So fuck em, everyone can't have everything. You can either take what I have, or find someone else that is an easier mark. And then what does that make you.

Don't have expectations, have goals, let the people sitting on the couch watching have their expectations.

And Then Everything Got Serious...

So when I wrote about not going all in every time, so, maybe I don't have any chips at all. And once it gets out of hand, it might actually be serious. But what is the point of waking up if you aren't going to do anything. I didn't necessarily choose the cards that I am all in with now, but there is a part of me that doesn't give a shit about cards.

Everyone thinks they know what the right thing to do is, well fuck you too because I know what the fuck I am doing. If it is the right thing, do something, if not sit down.

I'll take shit, and people will take shots, but that only means that you are looking at me. I'll be fine. I have nothing to lose, and if you are against, then that is your own business. I'll be fine.