When Was The Last Time...

Generally when people ask me questions I can at least throw together some kind of possible answer. I think that is something that people respect about me, sure I have an agenda, everyone does. Everyone is trying to do things. But if you ask me a question I will do the best I can to answer it.

"I feel like a moviestar"

Yesterday, I didn't have the answers. Or was I trying to avoid them. I am pretty good at stacking plates, but sometimes my arms aren't strong enough to carry all of the plates that I try to.

Yesterday, a friend asked me why I looked like someone kicked my dog. I told him that if someone kicked my dog, I would probably cut them up into small pieces. And then I would never talk about it again. It is important to be passionate.

Yesterday was important. If I have the answers then I'm not living.

Since I'm Not Going To Say It...

When I said I was over it, I meant it. When I said I wasn't worried, I wasn't. And I would've taken it as far as I had to. But not this way. I'll do the right thing because it is the right thing, but it really could've gone either way.

So I Sleep Like A Dog Now

Sometimes I sleep at night, sometimes I sleep in the day, sometimes I don't sleep at all. As long as I keep myself organized I don't see that changing, at least for the next 2 months. I am taking on more than I should maybe. But fuck it, you will never know if you don't go for it.

It seems like every decision I make right now has epic consequences. I know I bring it on myself, and I don't fear the consequences. But at the same time I wish it didn't have to be like this. The rollercoaster just started moving, and it is click click clicking its way to the top. And I am really not sure that I want to be on this ride, but why the fuck else did I come to an amusement park if I'm not going to ride the best and fastest ride they are offering me? I knew that I was going to find myself here when I was in the car. What did I think I was going to do once I got here? My mind was made up well before today, well before I put the shoulder restraint on. Maybe it's just because I'm not too sure about the safety equipment. But who is going to save me?

The good thing is, ummm, oh yeah, there are a lot of good things. I have reasons to get up and do things, it isn't all about will power anymore. There are expectations, and there are people that are just dying to see me fuck it all up and get my face smashed in. I can see it in their eyes, but I love that adversity, even though most of it is imagined in my head. More and more it seems that people are wishing me nothing but the best. And I am a good guy to the people that I know and care about. But the people that don't know me, are getting things taken away from them. So fuck em, everyone can't have everything. You can either take what I have, or find someone else that is an easier mark. And then what does that make you.

Don't have expectations, have goals, let the people sitting on the couch watching have their expectations.

And Then Everything Got Serious...

So when I wrote about not going all in every time, so, maybe I don't have any chips at all. And once it gets out of hand, it might actually be serious. But what is the point of waking up if you aren't going to do anything. I didn't necessarily choose the cards that I am all in with now, but there is a part of me that doesn't give a shit about cards.

Everyone thinks they know what the right thing to do is, well fuck you too because I know what the fuck I am doing. If it is the right thing, do something, if not sit down.

I'll take shit, and people will take shots, but that only means that you are looking at me. I'll be fine. I have nothing to lose, and if you are against, then that is your own business. I'll be fine.

Sleep

I can't seem to find it lately, when I have the time to sleep I can't. My mind races and races, the less I sleep the harder it gets to sleep. When I wake up, I feel tired but I still can't sleep. I know I know, just take down your stress levels and relax more, but that isn't the problem. I'm not even worried about not sleeping, but I am really starting to become intimate with that feeling of not quite being in reality, but not being far enough away to decide that I am asleep.

My schedule forces me to pull an all-nighter one night a week, it gives me a lot of perspective on how my body responds to strain. The problem is that at the end of the all-nighter is the most important part of my week, and the time right before the all-nighter is the most complex, enjoyable and stressful. Throwing all of those factors together gets my spirits up, I wish I could live at that level, having to will myself through some of the times, and wishing that the other times would last.

The upside is that the rest of the week flys by because I know that this time is coming again. I love the feeling of life, but as I go along on this schedule it is getting tougher. Next week is possibly the last time that I am going to have to do it. But so many things are coming into fruition in this week.

Yeah Yeah go for it, No No you can't do that,

At least everyone has their opinions lately, everyone knows best for me, but somehow I am still coasting along. At least people have something to talk about.

Finally

So I've finished reading my big red book. I have dedicated all of my free time to this book lately, and it is a bittersweet feeling to have conquered it. I want to celebrate but just finishing the required reading doesn't guarantee anything. It does mean that I am one step closer to starting a new life and a new career.

Who needs sleep? Who needs friends? Who needs a life? Who needs fun?

Sometimes I do, but right now I am willing to sacrifice. I have lots of time ahead of me for fun, but if I don't put any work in now I will have to spend the rest of my life chasing fun instead of living fun.

I am raising the bar, now I have even higher personal expectations. But if I don't expect anything from myself I can't blame anyone else for doing the same.

This Isn't The Way

I did everything that I could to avoid this one, you can't always stick your nose in it. Sometimes it isn't up to me. Some things are decided before I have a chance to decide. I guess there is nothing else I can do but wait it out. I guess I will just stick my nose out a little bit further and hope that everyone else knows what they are doing.

So Who Is That?

Up until the last two years of my life, I did whatever I felt like doing. I did it whenever I wanted and I paid the price for my decisions more than once. I was a kid then, but don't think I am a different person. I am only smarter than I used to be. I have discipline, but I will return to that person. You can't be all in every hand. You lose too much.

If you are there at the right times you see flashes of that person that I can be when I am all in. It takes a toll on your body, and it also takes a toll on your mind. My mind wants my body to be free, so my mind is doing the best it can to develop a system in which my body can fly.

I have choices that not everyone is blessed with. See what I am like when I have all of the chips on the table.

I hate to lose.

I Have A Present For You

So I finally decided that I wanted to start writing again, it isn't just something that you do, at least not when you are trying to do things in real life as well.

Starting something new, a friend of mine recently came back from a trip, he didn't do the resort thing, he just went his own way. While he was there he bought me a pair of wooden wine glasses, normally I don't really worry about presents. They are just things that you have, some of those things you use, and some of those things you just stick somewhere until you can get rid of them somehow. But these glasses are different, I appreciate them because they were bought for me, not because of a holiday.

So where did we leave off the last time we talked, oh yeah, I was trying to do some thing so that I could do some other things. Well, I have done some things, and I have stopped doing some other things so that I could free up the space. Sometimes I feel like life is as simple as that, do the things that you have to do so you can set yourself up, to do some things that you want to do. Wait that wasn't simple at all.

Right now I am fully dedicated to my new job opportunity, if I can make the hard part of this job work, I could earn enough money in one shot to basically relieve every draining issue in my life. And once I have the weight off of my chest I promise to remember everything it has taken me to get this far, I am living in a basement apartment right now to save money to make this transition happen, it isn't the best but I will do what I have to. Sleeping in a basement makes my allergies go crazy, and generally makes my life miserable, but I have slept in enough places to know that some are better and some are worse. And that you can always get back to the good places if you remember what they feel like.

I remember sleeping in my car, looking out the back window at the Rocky Mountains. The back seat folds down, and if you stuff some bags and pillows in the little space where your feet go you can make a bed almost big enough for two. But it gets awfully cold outside sometimes in the Rockies and you had better hope that you have someone with you to keep you warm.

I enjoy driving my car, sometimes I just go out and drive. All by myself, on the open highway. The sunroof is open and I am free to go wherever I want. Full tank of gas and nothing but hopes and dreams ahead of me. Sometimes I sing songs, just for myself, but that doesn't mean that I am only being heard by my ears.

There are still some things that I can't write about, some things that I just don't want to publish on the internet for anyone to read. But I will say this, I am trying to do the right thing. I want to be a role model, and my world will be happy.