I Serve Food To People

So I am out of school now and I need to pick up on this blog because it keeps me motivated to think about things to write because I kind of expect that I should. All we do at school is read and write, might as well do some stuff outside of school because I waste so much time doing it anyways haha.

My job, my job is to bring people food, answer questions, make them laugh, and then they pay me money. I am not sure that people realize that I make pretty good money doing it. But there is no sense in the whole situation, no time ever would you be so mad at someone if you have to sit there looking at an empty water glass, because Holy Fuck, if I am paying that young man to fetch me food, my water glass WILL be full as well. The best part about my job is that I get to interact with SO many old people. These people have had a lot of time to practice eating, so some of them know everything to say, they have encountered every problem, and they know how to react to them. I cant quite remember what this one man said to me the other day but I will think about it and piece it together for you later. The best is when you play some kind of trick on them that they have never seen. And this is all I think about at work, and I am glad to write about it finally. The only time that I am happy at work is when I am trying to pull random tricks on customers, because it is the same thing, hungry, food, home, over and over for hours.

One time there was a big table, they were all from out of town, they were all together, business type people. They had made a reservation 2 weeks ago because they wanted to have prime rib. They unfortunately also made their reservation for 9pm on Saturday. After I told you that all of my customers are old, what time did you imagine me discussing with them? They eat dinner, have drinks, do coffee, maybe have a little stroll around Uptown, and in bed before 11. So when these lovely polite people got here, they all ordered drinks, and bottles of wine, they were out for a party. But when I talked to them about the menu, and they found out that we had sold all of our prime rib already, they almost actually got up and left. Swear to God the one guy stood up to leave, thats how upset they were, it was insane.

They finally ordered, after whining and complaining individually as each person orders from me. And I have to ask them at least 3 or 4 questions to get the orders right, because bringing food to people can be complicated. So the earful from every person, even after they heard what the person before them was saying and how they were bitching. It was just juvenile. They all ordered the same entree with sort of a comraderee (SP) that I have never encountered. And they also ordered a bunch of appetizers. So they went on, gaining steam, feeling better, more drinks. Once you are done the appetizer at my restaurant you get sorbet to cleanse your palate. I think people know what sorbet is, but sometimes you get this one guy who is perplexed. I am not going to explain it, look it up if you don't know.

One guy at this table had the most perplexed look on his face. Now I have to let you remember, these people did not like me at all because I told them we had no good meat left. So I said to him, and I swear to this story. I said "Sorry, we have been really busy tonight, and when we were taking the order and everything we actually sold out of everything. And the chef is offering these desserts as his apology."

This guy looked at me like no person has ever looked at me before. He was speechless, he didn't know where he was, he was drunk, and some 22 year old kid just told him we had no more food, even though he was the organizer of the party, he was the person that knew everyone and had got them all together.

I stopped, I put my hand on the shoulder of the man that was sitting across from him, I pointed at this man, and I said, "Did you actually believe all of that?" And everyone started laughing so hard, he was lost. Where is his food? When does he have to pay the bill? What flavor is this sorbet stuff?

We had plenty of food still, there was no problems what so ever I just wanted to see how he would react. He was being such a bitch about the whole prime rib thing that I just had to. I wasn't even worried about him getting up and leaving because with all of the whining he was doing I knew he wasn't going to tip me well, and I KNEW that he was paying. When I told him he was going to get his food, he smiled, no words, just a smile. Once he got his food, he ate it like he had never seen food before. I brought half of the tables food, and then came back with the other half. Once I had gotten the 2nd load of food, he was halfway done his entree. It was amazing, I had broken his equilibrium of always being able to quickly access food, and he panicked.

After I created that whole scene, I thought, and I have had this thought before. Why don't I just always do that random shit, as long as they actually get the food in the end and everything is fine, they won't care.

Once people have their food, they will talk and laugh, they want to know your life story once you have given them food. This man went to talk to the owner of the restaurant at the end of the meal. He wanted to tell him how good a server I was and how I handled tough situations well. Haahahah. That's the time in life when you really know you are on top of the game.

Enemies of the Environment

This is the written draft of my last speech, it wasn't delivered exactly like this but I didn't use a cue card so I had to freestyle it a little bit.
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Good Afternoon everyone,

My name is Jay Clemens and the University of Waterloo has asked me to come here today to speak to you about an issue of great importance.

But first I would like to apologize for not giving my speech on Wednesday, I know a lot of people were counting on seeing this speech on Wednesday but Kathy was gracious enough to reschedule me so that I could deliver my message to everyone here today

Climate change has become one of the hottest topics of discussion, not just in Canada but globally. Climate change is taking away precious air-time from our favourite celebrities and commercials, but is it that important.

I recently received my degree in Global-warmology and i now make a living teaching about the causes and effects of climate change. And here today I would like to speak to you about the 3 biggest contributors to global warming.

So the first culprit is one of the most vicious and ruthless animals to ever walk the Earth.

The cow, as most animals have seen their numbers decline by a natural process called “Human Consumption” cows have seen their numbers have been steadily increasing since World War 2. These animals with their hunger and lust for blood have been ravaging grasslands relentlessly. Everyone has heard about going green, and being green, well guess what colour grass is? Thats right green, and as a green loving creatures it is our duty to defend them.

The only solution that we have been able to project in solving this crisis is simply eating all of them, if they think they can just eat all of the grass how will they feel if we just eat all of them.

Second on our list of offenders....

Human Babies, babies come out of the womb with a need for consumer goods, without the ability to think rationally that adults have, these small savages consume as much media, and toys as they possibly can. Media and toys take fossil fuels to make or distribute, this takes away from the share of fossil fuels left for the adults, who wants to live in a world where you cant idle your V8 magnum truck, or spend your whole day just flying a helicopter around. Childrens inability to feed themselves leaves the adults with no choice but to continue to feed them until they reach maturity. This is a vicious cycle, with most of the impact being played out in the natural world; resources are becoming more and more scarce everyday.

So what is the solution to this problem? Who said eat them all, clearly that is not an option, if you can clear that with Oprah and Bono we will do it but good luck.

The solution is something we can systematic replacement outside of line of sight, what this means is basically all of the adult humans just need to not allow their children to continue to consume our natural resources, until they are large enough to procure those resources on their own.

Lastly, and with the greatest number of crimes against the environment, I couldn’t even use a real picture because they say if you stare directly at this beast you turn to stone, or go blind or something.

Thats right, the sun.

Sure the sun is great, warms up the beaches, makes beer taste better, helps to create raisins. But it just doesn’t know when to quit, when to say hey, maybe I should turn it down a little I think I’m hurting people. The worst part about it is that the Sun and Carbon particles do not get along, Carbon gets the Sun all riled up and makes it even hotter. But we love making carbon, everything in this classroom has made Carbon at least once.

So what is the solution to this problem? After many attempts to block out the sun completely by Mr. Burns and other wealthy business men, we have moved on to plan B. What we are going to do since we would never want to reduce carbon emissions, we will simply capture the carbon and bury it deep underground. The Canadian federal government is on board with this idea and has began pouring millions of dollars into this fool proof plan, how could burying something in the ground not work? It has always worked before.

Now I that today I have prepared you for the future. The key is education, the more that you can know about Climate Change the better we will be in the war against terrorism, I mean Global Warming.

Everything that I have told you about these 3 culprits is true, I encourage you to go home and check the facts for yourself. And once you have done that I would also encourage you to go to www.globalwarming.org to find out how you can help.

That's What She Said..

“Wow that is really hard

You really think you can go all day long

Well you always left me satisfied and smiling so...

THATS WHAT SHE SAID”

This was the scene at my families Christmas dinner, we were re-enacting scenes from The Office.. but when did quoting television shows replace genuine social interactions? I think I found the source of the problem:: we spend too much time as a society watching Television, According to a study done by an Ottawa based group in 2003, Canadians on average watched 3.2 hours of television per day. So basically we are watching ONE DAY of television per week.

My plan today is to leave you with several strategies, on how to reduce your television watching time and also how to get more out of the time that you are already wasting with the TV.

There are two basic groups of television watchers here today, there are the people who CANNOT miss this weeks episode of their favourite show, these are the people that plan their lives around when Grey’s Anatomy or The Office comes on.

Then there are the more casual watchers, they just happen to find their way into a room with the TV on, they don’t really miss it if they don’t get to watch it, but they're thinking, hey Ive got some free time, so I guess I’ll watch a little Family Guy.

I am going to talk to the die hard fans, because you guys have had some time off with the writers strike and if i get to you quickly I might be able to stop you from going back to your old habits.

My first recommendation is... mute the commercials, nobody really needs to know how many blades gillettes new razor has. Stand up, walk around, get a glass of water, look out the window. Often during the commercials I just get distracted doing something else. The real world doesn’t happen in 30 minute segments.

Secondly, avoid just flipping through the channels, I understand that you want to watch your favourite shows, but if you aren’t watching that life or death show don’t turn on the tv... just Don’t ... save yourself from watching those Fresh Prince of Bel Air reruns.

Lastly, when you are watching TV, sit up, or better yet, sit on the floor, this will keep you more alert and you will be able to enjoy your favourite shows more because you will be more focused. Plus you will able to stretch out, and you will be using your muscles to stabilize yourself on the floor instead of being a sack on the couch, and this will help you get that beach body you have always dreamed of.

Ok that might be an exaggeration but hey every little bit counts when July comes around

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ok now for the casual viewers, When you find yourself alone with that hour to waste, try this, first I want you to disconnect from any active media, which means TV, your IPod, facebook, anything that bombards you with media. if you can do this outside it will be even better, now just breathe for a minute, let your senses relax, just sit and day dream, everyone has been telling you that daydreaming is bad, day dreaming is a beautiful thing, it’s the newest fad in on demand media, it’s called imagination.

Now that you have had a chance to clear your head, think about your weekly schedule, if you have a lot of free time add in something that you want to do, if you put those wasted hours to use, let me remind you 24 hours a week on average, I’m sure that you can the find time to Take pottery lessons, learn Maui Tai, learn to Salsa dance, do something you want instead of watching other people do things.

My number one recommendation for what to do when you decide you have free time, have a nap. We have very difficult schedules that demand that we are up and down at random times, so get ahead, and be fresh for when you need to be.

So to summarize, take back that seventh day of your week, if you have to watch tv, don’t watch commercials, watch what you came for and get out, and sit up and move around.

And if you have free time, USE IT, do something that inspires you, do something that you can talk to people about and get them excited, and if all else fails, take a nap and prepare for the day when you will do these things.

Before I go I just want to leave you with one last thought,

Jim Halpert and Micheal Scott already have enough fans, they don’t need your help getting exposure, they won’t mind if you have a conversation about the things that YOU are doing, what YOUR plans for the future are, don’t spend the precious time you have, talking to someone else about what an imaginary person is doing. And as highly educated people, here today I feel like we can be better role models for the younger kids at the table next Christmas.

How Poor Am I ?

I have student loans so I can stay in school, I have bad credit, I have a half decent part-time job, and I owe Visa twice as much as I have in my accounts right now. The worst part about it is that I am doing a lot better than most people in this country.

I think we really need to stop dreaming about PEPSI, VISA, and McDonalds. I am committed to living a sustainable lifestyle, and the first step that we need to take is to at least stop the freefall. Debt makes you think that you don't have options because you have such a heavy burden. Debt is a massive part of the world that we live in.

If you write back to me in one month and say all things in I came out ahead last month. I will shake your hand. I moved a couple notches positive in the last 2 months but it took a lot of lifestyle changes. And I am still deep in it, which makes you even less inspired to get there.

Bankers

They are a curious bunch, number counters and gold stackers. They make an absurd amount of money by simply moving around money, holding on to it, passing it along. Does this seem strange? The other quality of bankers that is unshakable, they are always optimists, the market is getting BETTER AND BETTER, look at all of this money wow I am so happy. Bankers also know that they have to always keep it good because if it gets bad people just won't have money for them to play with.

And this makes the news I have been hearing kind of shocking. I saw a bar today, that was supposed to be Bay Streets hangout. The men in their were very nicely dressed, beautifully groomed, and they all looked like someone was going to shoot them in the head. Then they were saying things like this could be as bad as the 1930's and the depression. IF YOU ARE A BANKER, FOR NO REASON DO YOU JOKE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT. That is even worse than saying I hope terrorists don't bomb the Super Bowl, because George Bush is going to be there for sure, and we would stop the war if someone assassinated him.

When you make statements like that, people listen, and clearly you don't say things like that on TV when it effects your life so much. Thats how serious it really is, when you have men that make their entire livelihood on the global markets. Talking about how they see signs for the worst crash in history, good luck bankers, when the people re-build their own systems, I will make sure to let you in to smell the money every once in a while.

Am I Right ?

I was thinking about this today, how do we make decisions? There are seemingly endless streams of input for people in today's world, how do we sort things out and decide?

A lot of people seriously doubt themselves, and when you doubt yourself you can't ever seem to decide what to do. You cannot ever be consistent because you teeter back and forth, sometimes a good decision, sometimes a bad decision. How can you doubt yourself? No one else in the world knows what is better for you. Every person lives in their own personal worlds, sure we share a great deal of experience with everyone else. But everything that you do, and everything that you know, that is what make us individuals and that is what separates us from our communal experience of society. Pay attention to how your body acts, your moods, your energy levels, and then just start doing things to make yourself feel better. Simple little things make life so much easier. If you are doing things that you just know you should quit, just quit them, we are not slaves. Do what makes you happy, and truly feel happy.

For me, the best way to make decisions that I stick to is; to just set goals. Because if you have a goal in mind you can just decide, does this help me or hurt me in my pursuit of the goal? This usually takes away at least 50% of the decisions that you can make wrong. Sometimes I feel like I live in a world of check marks and columns, but I don't recommend taking everything literally. And if you set goals that you believe you can make, and goals that you think will make you a better person

I think that most people use how people look at them, as an expression of how well they are doing at life. The problem with that idea is that I feel that your world outside reflects who you are. That is why you see so many people that look like they are doing fantastic end up in drug rehab, you cannot judge someone by their looks. But if you see a person that captivates a room of people, and you see them telling a story. You ask, is he right? Odds are that the person that is holding that audience, isn't scared to be wrong.

We Are Animals

So this is my idea,

Someone close to me is doing a raw food diet, and that really made me think, I think that it is a really good idea. Basically what I want to do is take a different angle at it. What I want to do is this, make my diet entirely of fruits, vegetables, and water. But where it gets a bit silly is that I want to basically just eat the items with no cooking but also with no sort of preparation. So eating just a raw whole tomato, or lettuce. I want to eat like an animal would, not using dishes or cutlery, buying fresh food and not using a fridge even.
I really want to see for myself whether or not all of these recommended daily intake levels have any meaning. In an ideal sense I would like to do this with only locally available foods and just skip supermarkets all together but since it is winter that isn't going to be possible.
This is the statement, I would like to commit to one month of eating only fruit and vegetables, drinking only water, and not creating meals but simply eating one item or another in their original form without any sort of preparation, and even eating pieces that are not traditionally eaten (within reason)
We spend so much of our planet's wealth because we think that we are not animals, and we think that we need to have our food put together in a certain way for us because that is what we have been taught. I want to prove to myself that I am an animal.