Tomorrow I finish all of the business that I have been putting off and take control of my world again.

Slowly, day by day I let my life slip into recession. Everyone is talking about it, but I am actually experiencing it. Recession basically means that I am not working enough to be responsible for myself. I got into a situation that just spiralled out of control for no real reason. I tried to reach out to people who have never bothered to reach out to me. They just assume that I should be the one reaching, and they are sitting pretty doing me favours. And tomorrow it ends...

I talk about wanting to be something, wanting to be important and get things done. If I don’t close this chapter of my life then I will never be able to be something. It takes so much out of me, I just always think things can be better. And if I am the one willing to go out and do the work to try to improve, and you don’t support me. Then why are you even in the picture, you don’t want to pull on the rope but you criticize me when I try to pull it. Not everyone can be a leach like you. You make me feel guilty for trying to do the best I can at everything, I am by no means perfect. I am a student, I am always learning not to feel like I know everything. But I know more than you do. I know how to act, I know that there are other people that count on me, and I know that my actions have effect on the world that I live in. So your bullshit negativity ends tomorrow...

Don’t expect that I will come crawling back, because there is no coming back. I know that I am such a burden to your life that you are best left alone. I know that you are doing so well for yourself that if I even thought about criticizing you I must be some loud mouthed asshole. You have made your choice, enjoy the rest of your life. I don’t need you...

I have the ability to do anything that I want with myself, because I am willing to try things. I am willing to fail, I am willing to man up to my mistakes. Your opportunities to be involved in my life, and to gain from my future success are gone. You don’t care about anything, you just want to make sure people aren’t doing any better than you. Well guess what, good luck.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what exactly it is that I want to be doing.

Without being dramatic about it, my life has taken several right turns, and also several left turns. I understand that, things happen. But I think that if I have more defined ideals then as long as I am sticking to them I can be satisfied with the results. I am a kid with my whole life ahead of me, nothing is stopping me from doing everything I want. So what do I want...

I want to be reliable, I want to be there for myself when I need it, and I want to be there for the people that I care about, and I want to be there for the planet.

I want to be less wasteful, wasteful with packaging, wasteful with time, wasteful with words, wasteful with money.

I want to be cleaner, cleaning my body, cleaning my conscience, cleaning my laundry, maybe then I will be able to really feel things.

I want to learn, learn to be a leader, learn how to survive, learn how to be satisfied, learn how to be happy, learn because we aren’t here forever.

I want to connect, be a part of something, find something to pull for, let my will power free.

My Christmas Wishlist

Tonight I had planned to drive my parents house, instead it snowed all day. I respect that the weather can change plans/my car is from the city and doesn't like the snowy countryside. So I decided to use the spare time to set some personal goals together for the holiday season.

No crappy coffee - there is enough at the office

No crappy beer - if I can't afford a beer that is a dollar more expensive then I shouldn't be drinking

No fast food - I am embarrassed to even have this one on my list, sorry everyone

Make real meals - I will do my very best to avoid eating anything that has been frozen, besides delicious gelato

Shovel someones driveway - sometimes you gotta pay your dues

Get some clothes tailored - because who doesn't like a tailored shirt

Spend some time in the wilderness - I remember Bow Lake in the winter, and it makes me wish I could just live in a hut in the mountains

Get some skates on and get out on a pond - It's the only way to feel Canadian, unless you form a coalition

Listen to Ben Harper and play a game of euchre - this is my list and I'll do what I want, there is nothing wrong with a victory lap over the couch

Stay off of Facebook - I got things to do



If you want to join me in my 10 goals gimme a call, 519-716-0171, if not, I hope you enjoy the holidays as much as I am going to.

Evolution

I survived the first week of double job action. No big deal, still snuck some fun times in there as well. Today I felt like I finally belonged in the office, it's a huge jump for me and I am being bombarded with information all day. Working 9 to 8 will get easier when I know what I am doing a little better instead of having to learn hour by hour. Today we got into some of the finer details of what I need to do daily, weekly, and monthly. I feel a lot more confident about it now that I know exactly what I am looking for instead of trying to imagine it and letting it balloon in my mind.

I even booked an appointment to see someone on Monday, which is another step towards actually making some money instead of just paying for parking and taking up office space. So the key component of my job is being on the phone, ideally I am going to be on the phone for 25+ hours a week for the next year. And believe me it is as fun as it sounds, non-stop calling, Will Smith style, I don't even hang up the phone I just release and dial again. But to be honest it isn't worse than what I was doing, and I'll be able to make a legitimate life out of it so I'm really not complaining.

Past That Point

Two full time jobs is sweet, one day off a week is sweet. But you think I would be a little bit more careful with my sleep time. Right now I am committed to everything that I am doing, but it has gone past that point of personal commitment right now. I am doing more than enough 4ams lately, it is one thing to be there, but when the lights are still on in the house on the hill it makes you wonder how much longer you can keep something like this up. The twinkle isn't something that I am unfamiliar with, but how much do I care about my pretty face. I have been dodging bullets for a few weeks now, and I know exactly which bullet is going to get me and why.

Our sense of smell is tied most directly to memory, and thats the bullet that isn't going to miss. Let's see if I am as bulletproof as I think I am.

1>2

So the tally is in, the votes were; 1 for, and 2 against. I always had a suspicion that democracy didn't work. It is the tool of the capitalist elite. But, wait, I thought I wanted to be one of those guys wearing the sexy custom suits that 7 or 8 people labored on. Yeah, that is what I want. So after the balloting was over I held my own secret ballot vote. I went and had a little chat with God and he told me that I should continue on in His name and complete the work that I have already started. Seems the people made the wrong choice, so I had to go ahead and veto their initiative. It happens all of the time, if you give the people the power to vote they will make the wrong decision, they are so easily confused by coercion and other types of literal or implied violence.

Thank you to everyone who took part in this election, my campaign manager, lifestyle instructor, and personal stylist. I am going to ride this wave of momentum right into the White House.

Shirts and Ties

I don't have a single thing to complain about today, usually I only want to write when something is bugging me. Today I have an hour to waste before I change from one shirt and tie job to another shirt and tie job. My work day for the next month is 9am til midnight. Good times, I have began a bit of a relationship with someone I used to stick my nose up at. Usually I like to go for someone that is a little less common, has a little sophistication, but sometimes you need a pick me up. I am going to use this blog to repent the slander that I have been spewing for years. I take back most of the bad things that I have said about coffee, because now I need her. It is fun being all dressed up all of the time, but if you can't stay awake you can't make money.

It's funny that I am in the risk management business, if you took a little look into my life right now you wouldn't believe it. But sometimes you have to push the risk envelope a little bit to get what you want. I need some insurance right now, hopefully I'll find someone willing to take on my risk taking personality.

You heard it here first... when I get paid I am taking a fucking vacation. I really don't care where it is, or when, or for how long, but when I have the cash money I am searching out a cheap ass vacation. 2 stipulations; beach, swim up bar. Case closed.

Told my boss/new life coach today that I was sick of not driving an Infiniti G, he says that won't be an issue. Case closed.

Forgot Something..

Also, sleep is very important. Staying up all day and all night is bad for you. You can't do it forever.

But you did an excellent job on everything else in the letter today, keep up the good work, sorry about the oversight.

A Letter To Myself

This is the last transitional stage, you don't have to struggle forever. Take care of your body, no pot, no booze, no crap food. You can make an impact right away if you stick to solid fundamentals. Listen carefully to everyone but don't take it to heart. No negative words will come out of your mouth, be respectful and save your criticism. Not everyone has the opportunities that you have. Don't try to be someone you aren't, stay within your limits for now until you have established yourself. There is only one question in your mind right now, try to solve it. If you decide to roll the dice, commit to it. Give the honest answers and live with the consequences.

Today Was A Day Like Any Other

There was only one person that I wanted to talk to yesterday, yesterday was tough, it was the culmination of so many things in my life. I wish that you wanted to talk to me. I know, oh no Mr. Cool is having a bad day, blah blah blah. Fuck him, he thinks he is so cool, he just does whatever he wants, he has no feelings. It's about time he had a bad fucking day.

I put everything in my life aside for yesterday, so I guess I deserve what I get when it doesn't pan out quite the way I want it to. This means so much to me, I knew my car was dying but I decided that I had to chance it. It wasn't the end of the world, but for the first time in a long time I had that hollow feeling of not knowing what to do. And I deserve better than "well if anyone can do it, you can." At least fake it, I knew you didn't want to talk to me the second you answered the phone. All of the times you cried on my shoulder, all of the times I held back your hair. Maybe I am a fucking asshole, but that really upset me, whatever you were busy or not feeling well or whatever but fuck.

Maybe you just don't get it, you don't know how hard I work for things. No one wants to give me anything, I struggle everyday. And maybe it is an inconvenience when I can't come see you every week. But I have 75 dollars in my bank account, I have fucking nothing. If I didn't get a bailout yesterday I wouldn't have a car, I would've had to sleep in the street, and I would have had just enough money to put myself on a bus. But that's cool because if anyone can figure it out it's me. I should support you when you are telling me about how you like coke, but when my car breaks down, I am broke, and almost miss the biggest test of my life that's not a big deal really. I get it, I am a big boy and I can take care of myself.

I am sick everytime that you discourage me from all of the ambitions I have, oh lets go on a trip, well I cant go on a trip unless I get a good education and work hard. I wish you encouraged me to be the person I am. I fucking love you, you were the only person that knew I was really alive for like 2 years. You were my best friend and I meant everything I have ever said to you. But I just can't explain why I can't spend 2 days a week with you anymore. I am fucking busy, I would love to just spend my days hanging out with you, eating tapas and singing Holiday in Spain and sleeping in the position. But my life isn't fun, I don't have fun. I hate my job, hate where I live, hate that I don't have anything. So I have to be dedicated and diligent. I push myself because I don't want to be my parents, I want to have a secure life, I want to enjoy myself and help people.

So find someone else, someone who is happy to wake up in debt. Someone who approves of everything you do. Someone who isn't careful, someone who doesn't have the self respect to know that you shouldn't do some things. Someone who isn't going to get a grown up job that keeps him away.

It will be sweet, you guys can go to Sneaky D's, make friends in the park, put things up your nose.

Don't comment or write your own shit, I know who I am. I'm not perfect, but I'm not going to justify what I think. You were my best friend, I know that you can do so much more than you are. You get mad everytime I criticize you, but I have no alterior motives. I want you to be happy and successful as a person. I never gave you any advice that furthered my personal agenda. I am sick of this rap that I have of, oh he doesn't care. He only cares about himself. We have been through so much together, but if everything falling apart was my fault, then fine, I'll take the fall like a man, but good luck in the future.

When Was The Last Time...

Generally when people ask me questions I can at least throw together some kind of possible answer. I think that is something that people respect about me, sure I have an agenda, everyone does. Everyone is trying to do things. But if you ask me a question I will do the best I can to answer it.

"I feel like a moviestar"

Yesterday, I didn't have the answers. Or was I trying to avoid them. I am pretty good at stacking plates, but sometimes my arms aren't strong enough to carry all of the plates that I try to.

Yesterday, a friend asked me why I looked like someone kicked my dog. I told him that if someone kicked my dog, I would probably cut them up into small pieces. And then I would never talk about it again. It is important to be passionate.

Yesterday was important. If I have the answers then I'm not living.

Since I'm Not Going To Say It...

When I said I was over it, I meant it. When I said I wasn't worried, I wasn't. And I would've taken it as far as I had to. But not this way. I'll do the right thing because it is the right thing, but it really could've gone either way.

So I Sleep Like A Dog Now

Sometimes I sleep at night, sometimes I sleep in the day, sometimes I don't sleep at all. As long as I keep myself organized I don't see that changing, at least for the next 2 months. I am taking on more than I should maybe. But fuck it, you will never know if you don't go for it.

It seems like every decision I make right now has epic consequences. I know I bring it on myself, and I don't fear the consequences. But at the same time I wish it didn't have to be like this. The rollercoaster just started moving, and it is click click clicking its way to the top. And I am really not sure that I want to be on this ride, but why the fuck else did I come to an amusement park if I'm not going to ride the best and fastest ride they are offering me? I knew that I was going to find myself here when I was in the car. What did I think I was going to do once I got here? My mind was made up well before today, well before I put the shoulder restraint on. Maybe it's just because I'm not too sure about the safety equipment. But who is going to save me?

The good thing is, ummm, oh yeah, there are a lot of good things. I have reasons to get up and do things, it isn't all about will power anymore. There are expectations, and there are people that are just dying to see me fuck it all up and get my face smashed in. I can see it in their eyes, but I love that adversity, even though most of it is imagined in my head. More and more it seems that people are wishing me nothing but the best. And I am a good guy to the people that I know and care about. But the people that don't know me, are getting things taken away from them. So fuck em, everyone can't have everything. You can either take what I have, or find someone else that is an easier mark. And then what does that make you.

Don't have expectations, have goals, let the people sitting on the couch watching have their expectations.

And Then Everything Got Serious...

So when I wrote about not going all in every time, so, maybe I don't have any chips at all. And once it gets out of hand, it might actually be serious. But what is the point of waking up if you aren't going to do anything. I didn't necessarily choose the cards that I am all in with now, but there is a part of me that doesn't give a shit about cards.

Everyone thinks they know what the right thing to do is, well fuck you too because I know what the fuck I am doing. If it is the right thing, do something, if not sit down.

I'll take shit, and people will take shots, but that only means that you are looking at me. I'll be fine. I have nothing to lose, and if you are against, then that is your own business. I'll be fine.

Sleep

I can't seem to find it lately, when I have the time to sleep I can't. My mind races and races, the less I sleep the harder it gets to sleep. When I wake up, I feel tired but I still can't sleep. I know I know, just take down your stress levels and relax more, but that isn't the problem. I'm not even worried about not sleeping, but I am really starting to become intimate with that feeling of not quite being in reality, but not being far enough away to decide that I am asleep.

My schedule forces me to pull an all-nighter one night a week, it gives me a lot of perspective on how my body responds to strain. The problem is that at the end of the all-nighter is the most important part of my week, and the time right before the all-nighter is the most complex, enjoyable and stressful. Throwing all of those factors together gets my spirits up, I wish I could live at that level, having to will myself through some of the times, and wishing that the other times would last.

The upside is that the rest of the week flys by because I know that this time is coming again. I love the feeling of life, but as I go along on this schedule it is getting tougher. Next week is possibly the last time that I am going to have to do it. But so many things are coming into fruition in this week.

Yeah Yeah go for it, No No you can't do that,

At least everyone has their opinions lately, everyone knows best for me, but somehow I am still coasting along. At least people have something to talk about.

Finally

So I've finished reading my big red book. I have dedicated all of my free time to this book lately, and it is a bittersweet feeling to have conquered it. I want to celebrate but just finishing the required reading doesn't guarantee anything. It does mean that I am one step closer to starting a new life and a new career.

Who needs sleep? Who needs friends? Who needs a life? Who needs fun?

Sometimes I do, but right now I am willing to sacrifice. I have lots of time ahead of me for fun, but if I don't put any work in now I will have to spend the rest of my life chasing fun instead of living fun.

I am raising the bar, now I have even higher personal expectations. But if I don't expect anything from myself I can't blame anyone else for doing the same.

This Isn't The Way

I did everything that I could to avoid this one, you can't always stick your nose in it. Sometimes it isn't up to me. Some things are decided before I have a chance to decide. I guess there is nothing else I can do but wait it out. I guess I will just stick my nose out a little bit further and hope that everyone else knows what they are doing.

So Who Is That?

Up until the last two years of my life, I did whatever I felt like doing. I did it whenever I wanted and I paid the price for my decisions more than once. I was a kid then, but don't think I am a different person. I am only smarter than I used to be. I have discipline, but I will return to that person. You can't be all in every hand. You lose too much.

If you are there at the right times you see flashes of that person that I can be when I am all in. It takes a toll on your body, and it also takes a toll on your mind. My mind wants my body to be free, so my mind is doing the best it can to develop a system in which my body can fly.

I have choices that not everyone is blessed with. See what I am like when I have all of the chips on the table.

I hate to lose.

I Have A Present For You

So I finally decided that I wanted to start writing again, it isn't just something that you do, at least not when you are trying to do things in real life as well.

Starting something new, a friend of mine recently came back from a trip, he didn't do the resort thing, he just went his own way. While he was there he bought me a pair of wooden wine glasses, normally I don't really worry about presents. They are just things that you have, some of those things you use, and some of those things you just stick somewhere until you can get rid of them somehow. But these glasses are different, I appreciate them because they were bought for me, not because of a holiday.

So where did we leave off the last time we talked, oh yeah, I was trying to do some thing so that I could do some other things. Well, I have done some things, and I have stopped doing some other things so that I could free up the space. Sometimes I feel like life is as simple as that, do the things that you have to do so you can set yourself up, to do some things that you want to do. Wait that wasn't simple at all.

Right now I am fully dedicated to my new job opportunity, if I can make the hard part of this job work, I could earn enough money in one shot to basically relieve every draining issue in my life. And once I have the weight off of my chest I promise to remember everything it has taken me to get this far, I am living in a basement apartment right now to save money to make this transition happen, it isn't the best but I will do what I have to. Sleeping in a basement makes my allergies go crazy, and generally makes my life miserable, but I have slept in enough places to know that some are better and some are worse. And that you can always get back to the good places if you remember what they feel like.

I remember sleeping in my car, looking out the back window at the Rocky Mountains. The back seat folds down, and if you stuff some bags and pillows in the little space where your feet go you can make a bed almost big enough for two. But it gets awfully cold outside sometimes in the Rockies and you had better hope that you have someone with you to keep you warm.

I enjoy driving my car, sometimes I just go out and drive. All by myself, on the open highway. The sunroof is open and I am free to go wherever I want. Full tank of gas and nothing but hopes and dreams ahead of me. Sometimes I sing songs, just for myself, but that doesn't mean that I am only being heard by my ears.

There are still some things that I can't write about, some things that I just don't want to publish on the internet for anyone to read. But I will say this, I am trying to do the right thing. I want to be a role model, and my world will be happy.

The Rules

The best trick anyone ever pulled on us was when they told us that there were rules. What are these rules, and what are they based on. You can't kill someone, that is wrong (now don't go getting the idea that I want to kill someone, I just want to talk about the idea). In all honesty, how do you justify the statement, 'it is wrong to kill someone.' Is it always wrong, or just wrong with certain exceptions. If someone did something really 'bad' maybe you can kill them. If one country signs a document saying that it is at war with another country they can kill each other, is that wrong? The thing about the world is, things either are or they aren't. That is why rules don't make sense, because sometimes they can be BROKEN, and then wow what a rush I am doing something that I am not supposed to be doing.

Rules about safety are my favourite. Hey, Hey, don't do that, that isn't safe. The sign says so, can't you see that orange flashing man, don't you know that you can only walk when the white walking man is on the screen. Didn't your parents teach you anything.

These rules make me sad, if you can't decide when is a good time to try and cross a road without having little men to tell you. Then I am sorry that you had to read all of that.

I am going to think a little more about the rules and get back to you.